[doc] Re: Tools, Your Friends

["andrew986186" <andy@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx>]

i must admit, this made me laugh!

stiff

--- In doc-uk@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx, Martin Gutkowski <martin@xxxx> wrote:
>
>   Oh this is a corker. Anyone who works on their car (or has ever 
built 
> a robot for that matter - Rich H & J, I'm looking at you!) will 
love 
> this! I've added a couple to the bottom. I've also translated a 
couple 
> of them into "British" :-)
> 
> (thanks to Ryan off the DMCForum for this)
> 
> Martin
> 
> -------- Original Message --------
> 
> The True Definition Of Tools
> 
> PILLAR DRILL: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching 
flat
> metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the 
chest
> and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
> freshly painted automobile part you were drying.
> 
> WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes 
fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes 
you
> to say,
> "Ouch...."
> 
> ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age.
> 
> PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
> 
> HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
> 
> MOLE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat 
to
> the palm of your hand.
> 
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
> grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
> 
> WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 
or
> 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
> 
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
> 
> EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
> upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
> 
> TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
> 
> PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has a tool for
> getting dog **** off your boot.
> 
> SCREW EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
> known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use 
anyway.
> 
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
> everything you forgot to disconnect.
> 
> CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that 
inexplicably
> has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
> handle.
> 
> TIN SNIPS: See hacksaw.
> 
> LEAD LAMP: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
> a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
> benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light 
bulbs at
> about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used 
during,
> say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often 
dark
> than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
> 
> PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also 
be
> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> 
> AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-
burning
> power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air 
that
> travels by hose to a Chicago pneumatic impact wrench that grips 
rusty
> bolts last over-tightened 50 years ago by someone at Ford, and 
neatly
> rounds off their heads.
> 
> PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
> 
> HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
> 
> HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer 
nowadays is
> used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts 
not
> far from the object we are trying to hit.
> 
> MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
> well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
> bottles,collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
> parts -- also skin.
> 
> DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the 
garage
> while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the 
next
> tool that you will need.
> 
> EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
> somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every
> deficiency in foresight.
> 
> -------
> 
> One omission - Angle Grinder.: Used mainly to burn neat holes in 
whichever
> part of your clothing is nearest to the object being ground, and 
to remove
> fingernails.
> 
> And the LEAD LAMP should include the bit about pointing everywhere
> except in the direction you actually want to look at something 
(usually settling
> on "strait in your eyes" instead)
> 
> 
> 
> Martin
>









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